More Extreme Than Vin Diesel

I’m a man who knows a lot about Vin Diesel (having clocked up at least 15 hours in the last week refreshing the Vin Diesel fact page) and I think he would be angered over the sequel to his ground-breaking work in xXx. Who can forget the bike that somehow hit a ramp with a 2 degree incline and got about 40ft of air? Or that boat? Or the bit with the great acting?

Let’s start with the name: xXx2: The Next Level. Christ in a glove, how can they pack the title with any more hyperbole? First there are 3 bloody X characters (the X is for eXtreme). Attention grabbing. Then there is a 2. On the posters I believe the 2 is actually superscript, so that’s xXx squared: giving, if my maths hasn’t failed me yet, 9 X’s. When you think “Goddamn, that name is just eXtreme enough”, they throw in a colon and a subtitle “The Next Level”. Wow. What a load of shite.

Second, Xander Cage is dead? Like Vin is actually killable. My arse. Ice Cube plays the new xXx who is apparently “more extreme, more angry, more black” than his predecessor (I’m fairly sure that Sammy Jackson says that in the trailer).

Finally, it’s advertised as being by the director of Die Another Day. Honest to Bob (Hope, that is), why would any sane person mention that someone who touched Die Another Day had gotten within 50 miles of filming? Didn’t they spend months hunting that fucker down and found him in a hole begging for his life? Wait, that was Saddam but it should’ve been him, dammit! DAD was easily the worst Bond film in years. Stupid bad guy (diamond face), satellite plot nicked from Goldeneye (a fantastic Bond film), poor swordplay (no-one has ever had a real sword fight that went on more than 2 minutes), invisible car (oh fucking dear), bland Bond girl (who the hell was it anyway?), face swapping (Face-Off theft), and a shit ending to the imprisonment we see at the beginning. What a pile of crap DAD was. Honestly, I could go on all day about that shit, but we’re here to talk about XXX2:Hardass, Punk Bitches From HELL.

I’m sure it’ll make enough money for the producers to ejaculate in nightly without fear of having to use any of the tained sample to buy a new yacht, but it still looks a bit pish.

Hollywood sequels, eh?